storm 2

It’s 3am and another thunderstorm fills the sky. It wakes me to rush about the house like a security guard and close the doors incase the rain cascades onto the carpet. My girlfriend is on duty too. Two naked bodies in the lightning, half asleep darting about like worker ants.

The rumble and the banging on the roof are so relaxing as I lay here unable to fall back asleep. These times are a precious no mans land where thoughts wander and unravel into the desires that are only found in dreams. It seems easier to feel my heart in these moments. The sound of the rumbling shakes the cage of my ribs. the quiet of clarity. the quiet of single thoughts with space to roam around in.

later in the day I will be pouring myself into a long unpacking of my marriage and my divorce into document form. It will be taken to the lab and dissected and scrutinised under the microscope of a judge. My children will be up for the bidding. This is a circus that I never wished for. A circus that is the stomping ground of my ex husband. I will be armed with a lawyer, my Shakti, and my heart full of fierce lioness love of my children. I am an advocate for their right to have their hearts expressed in the world. For them to be powerful in their own choices that create their life.

Here in this peaceful storm, tears well in my eyes and my throat tightens as I notice fragments of shame in places were shame does not belong. It has been a slow dawning over time, of the full weight of the marriage I was apart of. The tears are here to wash away the past, to clear the way, my compassion leaking out just as the rain hydrates and soothes the earth. Everything has led me to this place and it matters and does not matter either. At 3am, I am completely alive, free and held by the rhythm of the rain and the rumbling of the thunder. Finally I feel my body grow heavy under the sheets and my thoughts fall away.

– Lotus Indigo Shakti Kruse

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